tired of being tired

I'm not sleepy yet. I think it's because I don't have enough to do. because when I do more, I can sleep at a more reasonable hour. but when I don't have anything to do, I have to wait until now plus about an hour of tossing and turning to get any sleep.

I'm pretty sure that most people think that I'm nuts for the amount of work that I 'put on myself', for the amount of balls I have up in the air and all of the things that I type up, plan, analyse, research, do. But it's not about actually doing those things. hardly at all. I don't type up countless scores of lessons that quite possibly aren't going to be used again because I want to gain some recognition or something, I don't make up ridiculous amounts of movies and blogs because I want to become famous. I am bored. I am continuously restless and my mind is always searching for something to think about.

In Aotearoa this year, I was juggling a 40 hour a week job, a secondary job running my girls group, going out about 4 times a week (including almost all-nighters) and normally an 'okay' fitness level. Then I could sleep pretty well.

This Japan, I have struggled to be able to find projects to do. I have completed projects that I have been juggling for a long time, I have started and finished other projects that other people might not find the time to do.. because for some really annoying reason, I have programmed my body to think that almost every waking hour must be completely filled with activity, and if it's not, then I won't be tired when it comes to 10pm, 11pm, 12pm, 1am....

I know this isn't normal because people are always telling me to calm down, take things slower, that I'm going hard out or that maybe I should let other people think things through and do it themselves instead of me taking over. So why do I have to be like this. I don't know if I was always like this or if it's something that I've become addicted to overtime - the rush of anxiety levels, the adrenaline my body creates when stress levels are just a bit too high. Or if it's just natural for me to only need to sleep 5 hours a night and never have quiet hands.

I hope, I really hope that when Sifa comes, I might relax. That I might just be able to think ' hey, lets just lax', or that I could fall asleep easily between 9pm and 11pm.

Night.